No one said evolution was gonna be easy, effortless, or comfortable. Evolution is everything but linear. I can only speak for my own journey and testify that my evolution has forced me to stand still, humble myself, and listen to my body and what it needs for mental, physical, and emotional nourishment.
Until now, I had not sought to understand why I fixate on the past. I've been doing this since I was young. Ask any of my high school peers who I went to elementary school with and they'll tell you I reminisced on our "younger years" a lot. I had imaginary friends well past the acceptable age to have one. When I got into my preteen years, I used to imagine my favorite celeb crushes were sitting in the empty desk chairs in my classroom. Nowadays, I reminisce on my pre-Covid life and am conflicted with which elements of that life I want to take with me into the future. My aspirations and dreams are evolving... and it feels like grief.
Pre-Covid J.Mix wanted to travel the world showcasing her talents on big stages, screens, and music videos.
Post-Covid J.Mix still wants fractions of that, but only if she gets to help create it. And her happiness is not jeopardized.
The grief flows in when I realized that it's unattainable for me to spread myself in so many creative directions at this time. I'm under the impression, as of now, that I've gotta stick to one or two of my strong avenues, pull an Oprah, "get my foot in the door," first, and THEN continue laying the bricks for the other avenues. That's my plan... and I'll stick to it once I choose my strength XD. #TeamIndecisive
But enough about my career for now-
I want to take a moment to say thank you to all of the TSAM listeners, friends, and family who have checked in on me as I've been riding the depression wave. I'm feeling much better now- I feel like myself again. J.Mix has returned to her body and she has no intentions to leave again. But we know how depression can be... so I'm taking precautions: I'm back on medication and taking it regularly despite the negative but bearable side effects (see previous post). I've been vigilant about eliminating distractions that cause my depression to flare up. And have made space to focus on my mental health with the same vigor I do my physical health. In case there is anyone here who is curious to know what my distractions are... Imma lay it out for you below:
1) Social media
I always fall into the trap of feeling obligated to keep the masses updated. Mind you, I also manage around 10 accounts including my own. Add on the mindless nature of scrolling down the never-ending feed of algorithmically calculated interests on each account, and you have a whole addiction. Not gonna get into it. A lot of you already know how this goes. Just know that I'm managing it well. In the meantime, I'll be doing most of my "updates" via blogging here and on Patreon til my post-pandemic balance is in full effect... which is gonna take a minute.
Now that I'm feeling better, I want to quickly jump into producing new episodes, but I can't keep doing that to myself or I'll be back where I was a month ago. So I'm practicing patience and utilizing all of the wonderful resources I have accumulated to curate the next series of episodes... And do them right. Not that any of my other ones were wrong, but I would compare these next series of episodes to my uncle's well-marinated Thanksgiving fried turkey. It's perfection. You don't wanna rush perfection.
Thanks for reading
PS. I've still got some merch sitting around in case you're looking to add a crop or a cap to your TSAM memorabilia :)